Anger; the destructive emotion that, if used regularly, will mean our relationships are unhealthy, our stress levels are through the roof and our self-esteem will certainly be at an all time low. There are large costs to anger besides damaged relationships and these include loss of respect (from others and from yourself) as well as high levels of shame and guilt.

Anger is what happens when individuals have overwhelming feelings of fear and frustration and have no idea how to deal with them, but to communicate them outwardly in an aggressive way. Angry people generally come from angry parents, and through modelled behaviour, have learnt this style of communication is acceptable.

Most angry people detest the fact that they are so aggressive in emotion and behaviour, yet are within the cycle of guilt. Prior to the feeling of guilt is anger and post the feeling of guilt is anger (that they are unable to stop the anger) and what remains is a damaging, negative merry-go-round.

However, anger can be handled in acceptable, appropriate and healthy ways. Generally, anger occurs because the individual is feeling the following: -

a) I am not being heard or understood
b) I want someone to do something MY way
c) My needs are not being met
d) I am unable to get my point across

What then occurs are feelings of irritation, frustration and upset that, if not dealt with over time, can ascend to anger. High levels of anger can be expressed abusively via verbal, emotional or even physical ways. This is when an anger management program or therapy should be undertaken to get to the root issues behind one’s anger.

It is important to note that it is perfectly acceptable to feel and have anger (it is a natural, human emotion) and can be used appropriately in dangerous situations, otherwise known as the stress response. However, what is not tolerable is if it is expressed in ways that hurt others and yourself post-anger, through the self- punishing feelings of shame and guilt.

Remember a time when you last got angry and expressed this in a badly chosen way. Did it help? Did you get what you wanted, without hurting others or yourself in some way? Nine times out of ten getting angry, rarely and indeed if ever, works. There may be an initial feeling of release, but then comes the shame of knowing you have lost control (again), hurt somebody else and have not got what you wanted.

Someone who does have an anger issue comes to a point whereby they realise that their anger is just the incorrect way of communication and that this style of communication is not getting them what they want (to be heard/respected/understood etc).

Below are some anger management techniques that can assist someone with an anger problem.

• Awareness that they can actually express their underlying feelings (fear/frustration) AS SOON as they get them (and in a calm and rational way).
• Realisation that keeping their stress/irritation and frustration levels LOW will deter the anger from increasing.
• The knowledge that they CAN get their point across and needs met in other ways (through being calmly assertive and confident), thus leading to self respect and respect from others.
• Conscious that they can accept criticism and sometimes its constructive and other times it can be brushed off (as just someone’s negative judgement).
• Accepting that they can experience the viewpoints/lives of others, even if they do not agree with it.
• Realisation that other people have their own choices and having control over other people is a) not healthy b) not right and most importantly c) not needed to feel happy.
• Accepting that a calm person looks at the bigger picture and stops sweating all the small details.
• Awareness that it is not correct for everything to be their way all the time and that other people have a right to do things, which they may consider to be stupid or wrong.
• Knowing that they can deal with disappointments without turning them into disasters.

When anger does occur, a time-out is paramount to ensure self-talk is instigated to calm down the increasing feelings. Some of the suggestions above can be incorporated or indeed, just empathy and looking at the other side of the scenario, nurturing an altering perception that decreases the angry feelings.

Some great affirmations are listed below, to assist those that suffer with anger on any level. Repeating these over and over on a daily basis (preferably into your eyes in a mirror), can help to reprogram the initial, cognitively distorted thoughts that are causing the anger.

- I can stay calm and handle anything
- I am not 100% right, (he/she) is not 100% wrong
- Others have free will and can freely do things against my values
- People are the way they are, I do not have to get upset about it
- Everyone has feelings and their feelings are just important as mine
- I know that when I remain calm, I have power over any situation.

Compassionate, healthy and rational ways to think (and thus feel) within life, to ensure that the emotions felt regularly are calmness, contentment and a controlled confidence about how you conduct yourself when interacting with others.

How amazing it would be to feel more love, joy and peace within, (as well as without) i.e. receiving love, joy and peace from others. If less anger occurred in the world, if there were less highly strung people making the wrong choices in communication, what a beautiful world it could be. If you have levels of anger, that are expressed inappropriately, what techniques mentioned could you start to incorporate into your life to bring the freedom from shame/guilt and negativity that you deserve?